Here lately I have felt off. I’m not sure how to explain it but I’ve felt off from myself , the world, and things around me. I have tried to pinpoint one thing and I can’t really put my finger on it . I have an 8 month old and a 22 month old now and I’ve been working full time as a teacher. I have guilt for working full time and not being with my boys, I’m tired and feel on edge after getting home. Please don’t ask me to make another decision.I’m counting down the days for summer break. Hell I’ve only been in school for half a year due to maternity leave. If I’m this tired now what’s it going to be like going back next year for a full year ?!?! I just have a lot on my mind.
Mother’s Day was recently and I felt like this the weeks leading up to that. I hate to blame it on Mother’s Day alone because that day is SUPPOSED to be and feel special. Although I say everyday is Mother’s Day Especially since I have my own children now. Don’t get me wrong I love love love my boys and my husband makes it special. I hate that this day is tainted by past experiences. But I’m always left in a funk for days after this day and holidays in general.
I’ve tried to put my thoughts into words because it seems like the most effective way to release the depressing thoughts that linger in my mind. I pray to God for help with these feelings because they come back so often. Maybe one day I won’t have them all channeled within. Until then I need to try and manage to the best of my ability.
So I wrote this poem.
When is Mommy coming home as I watched her thumb a ride from some trucker on route 50. My grandma tells me she will be back, but who knows what day, month, or year.
When she comes back I have fear.
She brings bad things anytime she is near.
I fear her falling on the floor puking and foaming from the mouth.
She lays there shaking violently as she shudders from another epileptic seizure. She looks blue.
As she returns to us, she sits up confused asking “what just happened” as if she doesn’t have a clue.
As I get older I realize my mother only comes back each time she is pregnant. Neglecting another child for my grandma to raise.
This pattern repeats until number seven is on the way. She leaves each one, and each time we look for her to come back one day.
Grandma tells me she loves me and gives me praise.
I have hatred towards my mother for making me an in home sitter. All these bottled feelings make me very bitter.
Needless to say my mother and I did not see eye to eye, she repeatedly brought home a different guy.
When I moved away I didn’t see here for years. She came to my grandmas funeral and was in tears.
The guilt, the shame, the years of abuse I’m sure they caught up with her for the trauma she caused in past years.
This would be the last time I saw her. We did not hug , we did not sit down and chat , she looked really bad.
I would get a call a few weeks later stating my mother had been found, and cause of death was an overdose.
I pause on the phone in disbelief. I’m sad , I’m mad, I don’t know what to say. In a way I expected it to end this way.
I was asked to come identify her body since I was next of kin, but I couldn’t do it from the struggle within.
The title Mother, Mommy, Mom is one that is deserved.
After having children of my own I know the hard work that’s put in to manage it all. It’s easy to feel like your going to fall. Fall to the depths of the deepest ground. Fall from within from all the stresses around.
Unfortunately my mother passed without leaving her stories behind. I’m sad I never got to know her for who she really was.
The drugs and alcohol left me with someone I didn’t want to know. This game of life is not a show. I cannot lie and say I’m okay. For the past eats me alive some days.
I don’t know why I feel this way, maybe it’s the hormones they say.
My mother left an empty space in my heart that I long to fill, this feeling can’t be cured with a pill.
I want My Mother’s Day to be special each year. I’ll do that by keeping my boys near. I’ll listen to their fears, and make sure they know how much I love them daily.
This feeling of sadness will slowly dissipate.
My mother chose her fate.
I will always be recovering from the damage she caused. These feelings sometimes get me to pause. It’s small triggers from memories I have tucked away. I hope they pass in the coming days.
After all the adversity I’ve faced, I’m resilient and I see brighter days. Life can be different by changing your ways.
Thank you for reading a piece of my story.
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